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I am a Writer...

Updated: May 16, 2022

Well, I became a writer. I am not the best writer I’ve known. I have two sisters who capture ideas oh-so eloquently that reading them feels like your brain is dancing on a cloud of pixie dust. But, here I am, starting a blog.


So, let’s cover the basics: Hi, my name is Nesma and I have suite of experiences with mental health disorders.


I got in the habit of writing when I was 11. My seventh-grade homeroom teacher required us to submit weekly diary entries. Imagine a pre-teen asked to pour her heart out and give it to an adult stranger. Puh-leeze! I ended up having two diaries. The first, which was submitted to my teacher, was emotionally bland. I would write some nonsense about what I did throughout the week. The second, however, was my secret-keeper. It had a cheap lock which you could easily undo by shimmying a pen in there. It was purple and had scented papers. I hid it in my desk drawer under my books, and I would only sneak it out to write when I was sure my family were busy elsewhere.


Being eleven was hard for me. I felt like the odd one out between my sisters. Geeky, sporty, over-achiever, goody-two shoes. Definitely the odd one out. Life was tough and we moved schools a lot, so, making real friends seemed next to impossible. My diary started to feel like a true friend. Little did I know that my true friend was my act of writing.


Today, I write to work out feelings. I write to make decisions. I write to express gratitude. I write to uncover my priorities. I write to feel inspired. And I write so that as my heart bursts from sorrow, my words offer a soft cushioning for its pieces to land on, and my ink acts like glue to put them back together.


Also today, and like many of us, I pause to look at my life and acknowledge that I have been through a lot, especially over the past couple of years. It’s like life gave me a break in my mid-twenties, and then it got real again soon after COVID hit. I also acknowledge that now and since forever, many of us struggle with mental health issues, and that there is an unspoken stigma associated with it. Despite the increased awareness around depression specifically (possibly because of the pandemic), there are a wide array of psychiatric and psychological issues that are unfortunately stigmatized, even if subconsciously.


I believe they need to be given more attention. They need to be spoken of more and to be understood with their nuances, so that we – those who struggle enough with our daily lives – don’t have to struggle even more by trying to hide them to fit in and avoid judgement or dismissal. This is not an educational blog. It is a personal outlet. I will use it to allow myself to speak my thoughts into this void and share what I’m going through. I am also happy to feature some of your experiences if you like (please reach out via email).


So, here I am. After being a non-writer and then becoming one in the shadows, I am finally stepping into a tiny spotlight. I will use this blog to share my experiences and struggles, and I hope this can stir some compassion and supportive conservations with your loved ones. I write about my struggles and my darkness to extend a hand to your darkness and say: I am here too.


I chose to name this blog D for Depression because, lately, I’ve been drastically underachieving and feel like I deserve a D (at best) for my overall performance in life. I’m hardly doing 15% of what my normal self would because I am in a prolonged major depressive episode. And I am trying to make my peace with it. (More on this to come in another post).


So, here I am, finally clicking “Publish”. I hope I’m able to write weekly entries, and might share a few old posts I’ve written in the past but have been too afraid to show them some light (and love).



I hope this becomes more than what I dream it would be…

 

Photo: My journals of the past three years.



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10 comentarios


Yara Mohiar
Yara Mohiar
21 may 2022

Beautifully written Nesma :) Thank you for sharing that so honestly. I promise you're not the only one not being productive. Even without depression, a Ph.D is full of boring work and motivation is often hard to find. Keep doing what you're doing and please reach out if you ever need a buddy to work with or just talk to! It can get lonely and so remember that Montreal awaits you always! :)

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The kind of Beauty that grows out of darkness is the real everlasting one. It shines through all the damage..all the wrinkles and all the heartache. you grew more beautiful than you know♥️ you will make a difference here and for that, you’ve already gotten the A !

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Just Nesma
Just Nesma
18 may 2022
Contestando a

Marihan, thank you so much 💙. Your words are comforting

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Amazing 🖤

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Just Nesma
Just Nesma
18 may 2022
Contestando a

Thank you :)

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Nesma my lovely! This is so sincere and touching. Not easy to open up so publicly, for so many reasons. I was trying to remember if I was the one who'd made you produce a weekly journal entry and remembered you came to me as a 9th grader... phewww! But then again, I'm guilty of doing that too, and in our defence as teachers, I don't think we actually expect you to pour your heart out, but it's more about the practice (and hopefully eventually the love of) writing that we do this. But you're right, I can imagine how tedious and meaningless that must be to many. Life is such a long journey, that in the first 30 years,…

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Just Nesma
Just Nesma
18 may 2022
Contestando a

Ms. Hada! I can't believe you remember which grade you taught me in! Every time I think of good writing skills I've learned, I recall your class :). My love for writing grew there and also from the habit of writing my weekly diary entries (which seemed tedious back then, but I learned their value soon after).

Thank you for your very kind words 💙. I hope I'm patient enough to remember that it will get better, and that in some way this experience would have been for the best. It's really lovely hearing from you.

I'll certainly let you know if I plan a trip to the France in the coming years--it'll be wonderful to see you!

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Mohannad Hesham
Mohannad Hesham
17 may 2022

you deserve A

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Just Nesma
Just Nesma
18 may 2022
Contestando a

This means a lot to me, thank you :)

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